The Misadventures of a Quirky Redhead

 

Jul 7, 2006
Not this shit again.

I'm beginning to really have doubts about a relationship I felt so sure of in my heart. This boy, says that he loves me...yet I feel like he's not giving 100% of himself to "us." I really don't think he's ready for me, and I'm not sure if he ever will be. It hurts me everyday to not know where I stand with him...whether today he'll talk about our future or avoid the subject completely whenever I bring it up. He says I shouldn't feel sad about his unsure attitude, but how can I not? There are enough things uncertain about my life...I don't want to add the balance of our relationship onto the uncertainly scale...cause I think it would tip over and then I'd really be emotionally fucked. I hate to say it, but if this doesn't work out I'm afraid I'm just going to be numb and give up on my idealistic love morals. Its not worth getting my heart crushed again and again and pushed back at me...unwanted, unloved. I'm tired of being good all the time, cause it never gets me anywhere but dumped. And alone in my bed, crying myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of aching and tossing in bed every night. I just want to sleep sound with the reassurance that the man I love returns my feelings with the same strength...and I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I also find it a bit odd that the boy who loves me stills writes about his ex in his livejournal, but has never once discussed me or what I mean to him. I have nothing against soul searching and writing about past relationships...but shouldn't the future and the present be included too? Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm still feeilng the burn of past relationship blues...whatever it is my soul is restless and angry at me. Angry at me for allowing myself to be vulnerable again when it senses that I'm being set up for the big fall. All I know is that I'm sick of feeling cast aside ....He needs to show he loves me or just leave me the fuck alone. Cause I'm worth being loved by a man who knows that I am right for him...that knows that even though he may not have everything in his future planned out, he knows that I'll be there by his side to help him.

If I can't have true love, I guess I'm just gonna have to take what I can get. And that really frightens me, but with the way my love life is steering I feel that may be my only option.



Currently listening to:
Mother Love Bone
By Mother Love Bone



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 02:32 am
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Jul 5, 2006
Nudity

People get kind of sketchy when I tell them I don't mind posing nude. They think "well, she it must be some kind of sexual thing or something" and they dimiss my modeling and photography as something pornographic. Which it is most certainly not. Anyone that's knows me, understands my feelings about monogamy and refraining from sexual activity outside of a steady relationship. No, I simply want to project a different standard of female beauty. I admire the work of Reubens, Botticelli, Renoir, Degas, etc...Back in the golden age of art, women with curves were deemed as healthy and beautiful. There was a reason Botticelli's Venus' had an ample buttocks you know. It has been scientifically proven that women with hourglass figures are more likely to conceive and bear a preganancy. It makes sense, it has to do with female hormone levels being particually high in women with this shape. While I have nothing against women of smaller frames if that is the way God made them, I do have something against standards of female beauty in the fashion and film industry. There has to be something vastly wrong with the average sized women being a 12 and the average size fashion model being a size 2.

So yes, I embrace my body and am not afraid of being naked. I came out that way, why can't I go out in the world that way too? Don't get me started on how ass backwards it is that men can walk around with their nipples exposed but if I were to do the same thing, I'd get arrested for public indecency.

My photography inspired a user on deviantart.com to draw this gorgeous charcoal rendering of me. Does this look like porn to you or art? I rest my case.



Currently listening to:
Madman Across the Water
By Elton John



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 03:46 pm
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Jul 3, 2006
I wish I was the girl at the rock show...

Gosh, I wish I lived closer to John. It SUCKS being away from him when all I seem to want to do is hug him, and be close to him. It turns out that the girl he took to the Nine Inch Nails concert as a thing for him too. I can't blame her, you know. He's a smart, sweet, fun, cute, caring guy (ahha, don't you just want to barf?) And its not that she's intentionally trying to hurt me...its the ostrich syndrome. If you can't see a girl, you assume the boy must not really be that serious about her. He was simply being a good friend by getting her out because she had recently just broken up with her boyfriend or something like that. So I supported that, I really don't have a rational reason to be jealous you know.

But I am...I wish it would have been me there instead. No, not just because I would have loved to see Nine Inch Nails, Bauhuas, Peaches etc...But because it would have been amazing to be there with HIM. Experiencing the thrill of a live show, holding his hand, and sneaking off somewhere to consumate the heat that only being at a live rock show can generate. The vibrations of the amps reaching down into my skirt, like his hands. God, it would have been great. But oh well...cest le vie. I wasn't invited, and she needed to go more than I. If he thinks its okay for me to be friends with guys, I have to give him the same leway. And I know he really loves me like I love him. So I just gotta trust him...but that's a HARD thing for me to. I'm working on it though and he knows that I am.

He told me that he made sure she knew that he loves me, and that's all I needed to know. Oh, and that he missed me. In his journal he wrote that he felt an "absence" at the concert...I hope he thinks that absence was me.



Currently listening to:
Fever In Fever Out
By Luscious Jackson



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 06:32 pm
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Jun 27, 2006
So In Love Am I

*sigh* I'm officially in love everyone. Yeah, I know....its a totally crazy relationship being that he lives in Minneapolis, but there is just something really special about John that I can't put my finger on. We met up tonight in Mason City so that it wouldn't be as far for either of us to drive the because he has to work tommorow. Yes, I met him off of OKCUPID, and I know that any halfway sane person is going to think that is lame I guess I really don't care...you can't control how you meet the one you love you know. Plus, if you believe in the statistics on OKCUPID, we are an 88 percent match...he's the highest score I ever found on that site as far as compatiblity goes. And, I want to vouch for OKCUPID, I totally see why we matched that high. We have LOTS in common, and more than just favorite movies, music and shallow stuff like that.

We've been talking since November and have been trying to meet up for several months. I think I first knew that I loved him when we got in this debate over Harry Potter and he explained to me why Severus Snape isn't really such a bad dude. I have a thing for geeks, always have. So yeah, I knew I had to hold on to this one. Even though he lives in Minneapolis and even though there are people here who would date me. Fuck it...the guy is right for me. Even though he's flawed (but aren't we all?) I even love the things that annoy me about him...when we get in debates it really fires me up in that special way. Intelligence is the biggest turn on for me.

I've settled before for guys who really didn't give a fuck about me, and I wanted to hold out for something different this time. I don't want someone who thinks its okay to sleep with several other girls...I don't want someone who just wants to use me for their sexual urges. I want love, plain and simple.

So yeah, we met up tonight and the chemistry was there right away when we locked eyes. We are both shy and nervous people by nature, but we just couldn't stop talking, laughing, and just being ourselves around each other. I never felt self-conscious or stupid even when I said something dumb. He's not conventially cute, but then again I think Steve Buscemi is way hotter than Brad Pitt (what, I do). I love his squinty eyes, his glasses, and he was wearing a Batman shirt!!! Plus, he's tall and skinny...my type to a tee.

We went to dinner at this place called Prime and Wine..its kind of like The Brown Bottle. We we both under-dressed for such a fancy place, but we didn't care. He was so sweet and bought me dinner even though he's broke. We both only ate about a fourth of our meals because the portions were HUGE but it was really yummy.

After that, we drove around looking for something to do because Mason City is actually even more boring than Cedar Falls and Waterloo. We ended up going to see The Omen with Julia Stiles and Mia Farrow...it was pretty good, but um...I got distracted a few times I have to say so I'm a bit confused at what all happened.

So yeah, I'm not going to go into detials what happened after that...but let's just say I had a wonderful time and I really think I have a future with him. He warms my heart and all that cheesy stuff.

I have a boyfriend now, so don't hit on me please. Just cause he doesn't live here doesn't change the fact that I love the guy. I'm a good girl and once I give my heart, it stays with that person until they break it anyway. I have no problem with being friends with guys though...so as long as you know how to respect me as friend, I dont' care if you have a penis or a vagina.



Currently listening to:
Mechanical Animals (Explicit Cover)
By Marilyn Manson



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 01:16 pm
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Jun 19, 2006
Kristy, the model?!

Here's a list of careers I've been contemplating ever since I was old enough to realize that a "money tree" is a figment of every broke person's imagination and probably only grows around "Big Rock Candy Mountain": architect, fashion designer, chef, vocalist, working for an advertising team, and just being a plain old fashioned artist.

Never once in that list did I even remotely consider putting down, "model" but I've seriously been considering it lately. I'm not talking about the  6'3, ninty pound aliens that currently walk the runways of Milan and Paris....I'm talking about being an artist's model. As you see, from the above photo, I've inspired one such artist already. Ever since I started posting my self-taken pin-up photos on deviantart.com, I've created quite a stir. Lots of people have been favoriting my photos, messaging me, and I've had a few serious artists propostion me to model for them. Granted one lives in France, the other in New York....but so what? I find that amazingly satisfying that random people think I'm beautiful and worthy of photographing or drawing.

And yes, I weigh over 160 pounds ladies and gentlemen...put that in your dt. Coke can you boys without penises (otherwise known as the creatures who grace most fashion magazines.) So who knows what I'll do, but for now I'm going to work on my own pin-up project and expand that to taking pictures of my friends who've so graciously decided to model for me.

Here's an expample of one such photo that's been getting lots of attention at deviant art:



Currently listening to:
De Stijl
By White Stripes



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 11:40 am
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Jun 15, 2006
Talking about music, yet again...but sex too this time.

I

 

'm off to a BBQ cookout, whatever you want to call it around 9 o'clock tonight. I think its a good idea of I get out and live amongst the people as much as I possibly can. I tend to over-analyze my life and mope about if I'm stuck here at home. Also, as much as I do love music, I need to get away from it sometimes. It puts me in this otherworldly state and its not healthy to have your mind floating in outerspace all the time.

I've definitely been floating in other worlds lately because I've become entranced by the early 90's music genre of shoegazing. The bands that fit into this catagory are called shoe gazers because they don't move around the stage much, they merely stare at their shoes because they are transfixed by their effects petals. I like good ole straight-foward rock every now and again, but sometimes I like a nice cocooning wall of sounds to float in. Bands of this genre include, but aren't limited to: My Bloody Valentine, Catherine Wheel, Swervedriver, Drop Nineteens, The Stone Roses and The Verve.

Haha, wow, I made a blog so I could write about things other than my music, and look what I did...I started blabbing about shoegazers and their wall of sound. I really don't have a one track mind...mostly I think about sex, but then that's another story. I suppose music and sex go hand in hand so maybe that's why both are my never-ending obession. Even though I'm not from Ireland, I think I might have a little pagen in me...cause all I see to want to do is return to my basic animal instincts...drinking, dancing till I can't move anymore, and um...of course the most important of bodily activities that I think all of you know understand without me going into detail.



Currently listening to:
Loveless
By My Bloody Valentine



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 05:19 pm
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Jun 14, 2006
Put some pip in that longstocking!

I bear a scary resemblance to.... by Kristy Parker

Pippi Longstocking! I used to think it was just a joke when the old people at Perkins called me Pippi-long stocking. I thought it was just because I had red hair and on occasion wear that redness in pigtails. Well, I decided today to finally look up what this girl actually looks like and I had to do a double take.

Holy shit....this is me age 8 to a tee. Gapped front teeth, crazy hair (especially in the mornings), big blue eyes and bangs as always. Jeez...if you just cut off the pigtails this seriously would look exactly like me when I was young. I guess now since I actually do have hair this length people can now officially start calling me her.

So yeah, I guess its true when they say a picture can say 1,000 words. Why couldn't mom have gotten me into child acting and dyed the bleach blond strips from my hair so it could be pure red brown? Then I could really be called Pippi Longstocking and be reaping cash benifits too. Or maybe if I actually was Pippi Longstocking I'd have a bag of my own gold and be financially independent...and have a pirate for a dad.

Anyway, if you have no idea who the hell I'm talking about, read this article on Pippi Longstocking. I never realized what a feminist hero she is and why its not an insult to be said to be like her.

Making fun of established gender roles

Perhaps the critics and censors, being adults, took Pippi a little too seriously. Children know that Pippi is doing wrong when she drinks squash out of a jug at a garden party. Nevertheless, like other popular storybook characters, she has influenced the way they think and behave.

Pippi is fun because she breaks with conventional ideas about how girls should behave and also, perhaps, makes fun of adults gender roles in the process. Like when she goes to the market in her giant hat like a millwheel, dressed in a full-length evening gown and with huge green rosettes on her shoes. She has also applied charcoal to her eyebrows and coated her mouth and nails with red paint. I think you should look like a really fine lady when you go to the market, says Pippi. She herself is not as concerned about her appearance as many other girls and women. Pippi is definitely not an object, and evidently not prepared to succumb to the cosmetics industry, either.

There is a sign in a shop window in the small town where she lives that reads, DO YOU SUFFER FROM FRECKLES? Pippi doesnt. She isnt interested in the anti-freckle cream on offer but nevertheless goes into the shop to makes her position clear. No, I dont suffer from freckles, she declares. But my dear child, says the startled assistant, your whole face is covered in them. I know, says Pippi, but I dont suffer from them. I like them. Good morning!


The first book about Pippi Longstocking appeared in 1945 and was based on bedtime stories Astrid Lindgren made up for her daughter. © Photo: Pressens Bild

New demands on girls

It is hardly strange that Pippi eventually became something of a role model in the womens movement. One result has been that in recent decades at least among adults striving to bring up children in a spirit of gender equality there has been a desire to make girls as strong, brave, uninhibited, amusing, rebellious and defiant of authority as Pippi.

The fact that such character traits are increasingly tolerated has meant that many girls today have greater room for manoeuvre. They have begun to catch up with the boys, who have long been allowed to mess around and behave more rowdily.

Paradoxically, though, a liberating influence such as Pippi may also place tacit demands on girls ones that may be difficult to live up to, at least for some. Take Annika, Pippis friend, for instance, who is always well-behaved and well-dressed, the very image of a model girl of the post-war period. Nowadays, she is often used as a cautionary example simply because she is neither brash, adventurous nor particularly active. Dreary Annika, as the saying goes in Sweden. But surely not everyone can be as courageous, tough and entertaining as Pippi?


Astrid Lindgrens books have been translated into over 70 languages, which makes her Swedens most widely-sold author. © Photo: Pål-Nils Nilsson /The Swedish Royal Library

A fun read not a feminist agenda

Astrid Lindgren was not exactly proceeding from an explicit feminist agenda when she wrote her wonderful stories about this remarkable girl and her two close friends. That, however, has not prevented Pippi from becoming a source of inspiration in the struggle for gender equality. She is still the hero of the day.

Throughout the world, girls have been encouraged to have fun, to be a bit more daring and to have faith in their own ability. In other words, there is every reason to suspect that Pippi has performed wonders over the past six decades.



Currently listening to:
Lover / Fighter
By Hawksley Workman



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 01:35 pm
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Jun 13, 2006
Scout's Honor: Welcome to My New Blog

I don't know why I need yet another journal to jot my thoughts down in, but I suppose my myspace blog and vintage rock blog are kind of public now. I get so much flack for my unconvential ideas and for just being myself. So I suppose I need a bit more privacy to expose what's really going on with me. I need a private place to reflect where not all my friends (or enemies) can come to everyday to keep track of me. Also, in this blog I don't have to feel this endless need to entertain everyone or teach people life lessons. I suppose its the mother in me that feels there should be a moral to every story. I think its about time I quit living my life under the bell jar, carefully analyzing each action before I make it. I don't want to be one of those crazy cat ladies who die by suffocation because one night her cats got a little too friendly with her face and she ends up choking on a hairball.

This blog is where I'm going to chronicle my poetry, art, photography, and just my everyday bullshit that only a few close friends has the privlage to read. I think this will turn out rather nicely. I promise I'll actually write in this one too...scout's honor. And yes, I used to be a girl scout, so I actually respect that vow.



Currently listening to:
Ferment
By Catherine Wheel



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 12:56 pm
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Jun 12, 2006
The Yellow Brick Road to Nowhere: Prose

Spit on your ambitions and piss your dreams away

Fantasies only prolong the inevitable ego dive you'll take when you belly flop on the edge of indifference

Nameless faces pass you on the road to nowhere

Faces of  kids you said HELLo to when you walked the fine line between genius and insanity...When you said "hey" just to put up a front of normalcy when on the inside you are shrieking and praying that your pain will bleed from the inside out....A sign for someone to let you OUT!

But nobody ever sees beyond the wall you put up around yourself...so you keep trying to climb over it alone....

Fueled by vodka spiked with lust that's been pressure-rising since you were 7, when you first felt the sting of a sleepness night...sweating cold bullets under your Snow White bed-sheets.

Prince Charming isn't always your savior as Disney preached in his techincolor creations....made to teach little girls to be selfish, vain princesses. Telling us that our only worth is to marry a handsome man and then all our problems will magically disappear like Cinderella's pumpkin coach.

We all know the Prince beat his princess the second happily ever after tarnished...the moment the princess felt rebellion surging beneath her yards of silk armor.

So shall we rebell against gender stereotypes....I will not be another fairy-tale martyr on this yellow brick road to nowhere. I will carve my own path, chiseling my way with bobby pins and whale-bone corsets.

YOU CAN'T STRAP ME IN AND TELL ME TO LIE DOWN IN THE BED SOCIETY MADE FOR ME.



Currently listening to:
Pretty Hate Machine
By Nine Inch Nails



 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 08:42 pm
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The Dating Buffet

I suppose people wonder what's wrong with me....why I never seem to have a boyfriend. Like its some unusual phenomenon if a girl is half-way cute to be single. I'm not saying I love being alone, but I guess I just see no point in settling for something I can't see myself enjoying two or more years down the road.

I observe all these failed relationships around me, I hear all these stories of how people become disillusioned with love. I'm not going to blame myself for past errors in judgement nor am I going to point the finger at any one person who's told me their sob stories (we all make mistakes), but lets just say I've had enough observation to come to a basic consensus about why  people are unsatisfied with their love lives; its usually because they are looking for someone who will fill their lonely void....not someone they consider a soul mate, someone worth holding out for. They settle for what's here now instead of what fills their hearts with butterflies.

Take for instance my mother. She started dating this man from work right after her divorce from my father. I got a weird vibe from him, but I told myself to ignore it cause its probably just paranoia. I could tell he was a rebound, but my mom kept wanting to ignore the fact that he was seeing other women. Then she seems surpised when he pretty much calls her a pity date and quits asking her out. I wasn't surpised at all, but I know his type. He's a warm body seeker, unsure of what the hell he wants...so he samples women like a buffet.

And maybe that's why I'm single now...I don't want to be another entree in the great dating buffet. The man I end up with will notice something special and unique about me. There has to be intense physical attraction between us, but that can't be the only thing that bonds us together. We need to love each others quirks, idiosyncracies.

He needs to love me with morning hair (thick hair like mine is scary in tangles), and he needs to respect my desire to be alone sometimes. I will love him with stinky breath and food caught in his teeth. I will love him if he cries at a sad movie or can't always think of the right thing to say. True love looks beyond all the shallow crap and realizes that things will never be perfect; the only thing in life that is perfect is that we are perfect for each other. We compliment each other completely and are able to overcome life's maddness together.

Maybe I already know this man (I think I might), but right now it seems as though the stars are crossed against us being together. But there has to be a reason I'm holding out after all this time...there has to be a reason he's still the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning. There has to be a reason he still thinks about me too. So as the band The Engineers said: "Let's just see how far we can go." I'll wait for you, ifyou wait for me...but I don't know how much longer I can stand being apart from you.


 [Kristy] struck a pose @ 08:32 pm
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So shall we rebell against gender stereotypes....I will not be another fairy-tale martyr on this yellow brick road to nowhere. I will carve my own path, chiseling my way with bobby pins and whale-bone corsets.

YOU CAN'T STRAP ME IN AND TELL ME TO LIE DOWN IN THE BED SOCIETY MADE FOR ME.


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Current Album: Pussy Whipped by Bikini Kill *1993*



Currently Reading: Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins




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