Aug 10, 2006
Fire Ants---poem by Kristy Parker (me)
The emptiness invades me like a thousand fire ants, crawling into the lace sewed on the fringes of my underwear.
I scratch at the itch that won't go away, not that way...because I can't reach it. And I've wanted to ask the boys who look at me that certain way to make it stop...but they can't.
Only you can, but you won't. So I scratch till I bleed, digging a tunnel past the veins pumping...keeping me half alive. But there's more to being alive than physiology.
My anatomy books says I'm a normal human female, 20 years old with all my parts in place. All the orfices in the right spots, all the nerve endings operating proficiently.
But all of my body parts feel numb except for that itch....that has crawled its way into my chest, into the home of all my girlish crushes. Into the black warmth of my internal. Where, dare I use the "L" word, permeates from.
I thought maybe my heat could melt your cool distance and draw you into my internal, the place I only want to share with "the one."
Yet, here I lie...rabidly tearing at myself, hoping to stop the aftermath of your cold shoulder...but I'm frostbitten through.
Love's flame, once thought to be eternal, has flickered out and left me with left me with nothing but ashes.
But, even the phoenix rose anew from the ashes.
Currently listening to:
Blood & Chocolate (With Bonus Disc)
Aug 3, 2006
Photo: "Where's My Mama?" taken by Kristy Parker (me)
Waiting is all I seem to do. Right now I'm on a two week hiatus from John, and its going to be tough not to talk to him for so long...and to trust that he won't stop caring about me in the mean time. But as they say, if you love something...set it free...if it comes back to you....well they either love you or they couldn't find anything better. Let's hope it turns out to be the previous statement. I just know that I can't pretend that things are the way they were before he started having doubts. He saw his ex-girlfriend in a bar a few weeks back and ever since then it feels like he's a different person. He told me not to worry when he wrote nice things about her in his journal...but how could I not worry? He's never written about me in there, yet he feels like its okay to to post that stuff about her? Hmm..something didn't feel right about that.
Then he told me he's not sure exactly how he feels about us and that's he's been thinking about his ex a lot...and he doesn't think its fair to me to pretend things are okay when they are not. I'm glad he told me, yet I don't understand why he can't just move on from her and put his energy into making things between us work. So today I told him it might be best if I give him a couple weeks to sort things out in his mind. I know I get overly emotional and make it difficult for serious thinking and contemplation to take place. So I think if I give him an idea what things are like without me, he can understand how much I mean to him. And if he decides he doesn't want to be with me, I will have to deal with that. But I just tired of not knowing...of forever feeling lonely and frustrated. I feel in my heart that I have a lot of love to give, but I want to make sure the person I give it to knows how to give it back too.
Currently listening to:
The CD Version of the First Two Records
By Bikini Kill
Aug 2, 2006
I'm confused, what's new. Confused about men, about why things get so out of whack. How I think I understand how people feel about me, and it ends up being something completely different. I'm pretty hurt in general lately, but I'm not going to let it beat me.
To cope, I ended up eating chocolate ice cream with Julie and watching Titanic. It ended up making me a bit more depressed, but its nice to know that someone else is in the same boat as me (haha boat, Titantic...nevermind).
I'm strong, I'll survive...and things always get better. I just have to keep telling myself that...I do think I'm starting to believe it and believe in myself again.
Jul 22, 2006
Work might suck, but I don't
Tonight, I've off to work a double shit....oh, I mean shift. My job really does suck...blah, blah, blah...but then again so does every other mininum wage job out there. They treat us like a commodity because we can be easily replaced in a heartbeat by a high school kid desperately in need of some extra beer money. Because they don't have support car insurance or save for their college fund...yet. Then when they get to the point I am, there will be some other naive high school kid ready in in the cycle to take their place.
But its okay...I'm still gonna work with some integrity. I'll help my co-workers without being asked...I'll run out food that isn't mine...and why? Because our jobs do not define who we are, but our actions sure do. So yes, I could gripe and groan throughout my shift today/tonight or I could be happy that I at least have a job skill, no matter how blue collar it is. I could be happy that I'm friends with co-workers and actually can hang out with them outside of work knowing they genuinely like me. That even if my managers don't see how hard I work, they do. And that really makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it? I just have to keep telling that to myself when I'm covered in salad dressing and syrup by the end of the night, vaccuuming under tables, praying to God that the duct tape on the vaccuum cleaner doesn't fall off, spewing little bits of food chucks into the air.
So here I go, unto another shift of:
Can I start you folks off with an ice tea or coke tonight?
Was everything prepared alright for you?
Oh, the cooks didn't cook that steak well done for you? I'll just take it back and get it fixed for you no problem.
You need a 5th refill on your soda even though I have 2 other tables waiting for me to take their order? I'll get right on that.
Oh, so you ordered 2 apptizer samplers, you ate your entire steak dinner, and now you want a shake and a chocolate chipper sundae to wash that all down? Sounds good to me.
All 20 of you are on seperate tickets tonight? No problem.
You want a to-go box even though I was just over here two seconds ago to ask if you needed anything else tonight...and you said no. No problem.
Oh, the food was terrible and you'll never come back again? Well goodbye and I hope you'll come back soon anyway (hahaha, yeah, right...I would be lucky if you actually followed through on your threat).
Currently listening to:
By Elliott Smith
Jul 12, 2006
gotta let life steer me onto the correct path
I think the whole problem I'm having right now is that I take things WAY too seriously sometimes. Life leads me into certain situations and then I take a microscope and try to closely examine them. After I've asessed the situation, I then beat everything into submission because I hate feeling like I'm not in complete control of my life. Its scary just leaving some things up to chance, and so instead of live with that uncertainity I make people adhere to my visions of the future or I cut them out of my life.
And that's not right, nor is it effective in getting me what I want. I think the more I try to hold on, the more they struggle to get free. No one wants to be pressured into making life changing choices, and I always seem to get involved with guys who are unsure of what they want. The man I love now is worth being patient for. He's been hurt ALOT and is having a hard time coping with the end of his last relationship in particular. He was going to ask her to marry him for heaven's sake, so yeah...its going to take a long time for him to completely get over that. I can say I've never been in a relationship that serious, so I really don't understand exactly what he's going through.
But I do think there is a reason we met, and get on so well. Yes, we are going to have to make some decisions, but those decisions don't have to be made on a certain schedule. We'll just work on building our relationship, and see where things lead from there. And I promise I'll put the mircscope away and just look into his eyes for the answers I need. That will tell me far more than any speculation of mine.
Currently listening to:
By Stiff Little Fingers
Jul 7, 2006
Not this shit again.
I'm beginning to really have doubts about a relationship I felt so sure of in my heart. This boy, says that he loves me...yet I feel like he's not giving 100% of himself to "us." I really don't think he's ready for me, and I'm not sure if he ever will be. It hurts me everyday to not know where I stand with him...whether today he'll talk about our future or avoid the subject completely whenever I bring it up. He says I shouldn't feel sad about his unsure attitude, but how can I not? There are enough things uncertain about my life...I don't want to add the balance of our relationship onto the uncertainly scale...cause I think it would tip over and then I'd really be emotionally fucked. I hate to say it, but if this doesn't work out I'm afraid I'm just going to be numb and give up on my idealistic love morals. Its not worth getting my heart crushed again and again and pushed back at me...unwanted, unloved. I'm tired of being good all the time, cause it never gets me anywhere but dumped. And alone in my bed, crying myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of aching and tossing in bed every night. I just want to sleep sound with the reassurance that the man I love returns my feelings with the same strength...and I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I also find it a bit odd that the boy who loves me stills writes about his ex in his livejournal, but has never once discussed me or what I mean to him. I have nothing against soul searching and writing about past relationships...but shouldn't the future and the present be included too? Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm still feeilng the burn of past relationship blues...whatever it is my soul is restless and angry at me. Angry at me for allowing myself to be vulnerable again when it senses that I'm being set up for the big fall. All I know is that I'm sick of feeling cast aside ....He needs to show he loves me or just leave me the fuck alone. Cause I'm worth being loved by a man who knows that I am right for him...that knows that even though he may not have everything in his future planned out, he knows that I'll be there by his side to help him.
If I can't have true love, I guess I'm just gonna have to take what I can get. And that really frightens me, but with the way my love life is steering I feel that may be my only option.
Currently listening to:
Mother Love Bone
By Mother Love Bone
Jul 5, 2006
People get kind of sketchy when I tell them I don't mind posing nude. They think "well, she it must be some kind of sexual thing or something" and they dimiss my modeling and photography as something pornographic. Which it is most certainly not. Anyone that's knows me, understands my feelings about monogamy and refraining from sexual activity outside of a steady relationship. No, I simply want to project a different standard of female beauty. I admire the work of Reubens, Botticelli, Renoir, Degas, etc...Back in the golden age of art, women with curves were deemed as healthy and beautiful. There was a reason Botticelli's Venus' had an ample buttocks you know. It has been scientifically proven that women with hourglass figures are more likely to conceive and bear a preganancy. It makes sense, it has to do with female hormone levels being particually high in women with this shape. While I have nothing against women of smaller frames if that is the way God made them, I do have something against standards of female beauty in the fashion and film industry. There has to be something vastly wrong with the average sized women being a 12 and the average size fashion model being a size 2.
So yes, I embrace my body and am not afraid of being naked. I came out that way, why can't I go out in the world that way too? Don't get me started on how ass backwards it is that men can walk around with their nipples exposed but if I were to do the same thing, I'd get arrested for public indecency.
My photography inspired a user on deviantart.com to draw this gorgeous charcoal rendering of me. Does this look like porn to you or art? I rest my case.
Currently listening to:
Madman Across the Water
By Elton John
Jul 3, 2006
I wish I was the girl at the rock show...
Gosh, I wish I lived closer to John. It SUCKS being away from him when all I seem to want to do is hug him, and be close to him. It turns out that the girl he took to the Nine Inch Nails concert as a thing for him too. I can't blame her, you know. He's a smart, sweet, fun, cute, caring guy (ahha, don't you just want to barf?) And its not that she's intentionally trying to hurt me...its the ostrich syndrome. If you can't see a girl, you assume the boy must not really be that serious about her. He was simply being a good friend by getting her out because she had recently just broken up with her boyfriend or something like that. So I supported that, I really don't have a rational reason to be jealous you know.
But I am...I wish it would have been me there instead. No, not just because I would have loved to see Nine Inch Nails, Bauhuas, Peaches etc...But because it would have been amazing to be there with HIM. Experiencing the thrill of a live show, holding his hand, and sneaking off somewhere to consumate the heat that only being at a live rock show can generate. The vibrations of the amps reaching down into my skirt, like his hands. God, it would have been great. But oh well...cest le vie. I wasn't invited, and she needed to go more than I. If he thinks its okay for me to be friends with guys, I have to give him the same leway. And I know he really loves me like I love him. So I just gotta trust him...but that's a HARD thing for me to. I'm working on it though and he knows that I am.
He told me that he made sure she knew that he loves me, and that's all I needed to know. Oh, and that he missed me. In his journal he wrote that he felt an "absence" at the concert...I hope he thinks that absence was me.
Currently listening to:
Fever In Fever Out
By Luscious Jackson
Jun 27, 2006
So In Love Am I
*sigh* I'm officially in love everyone. Yeah, I know....its a totally crazy relationship being that he lives in Minneapolis, but there is just something really special about John that I can't put my finger on. We met up tonight in Mason City so that it wouldn't be as far for either of us to drive the because he has to work tommorow. Yes, I met him off of OKCUPID, and I know that any halfway sane person is going to think that is lame I guess I really don't care...you can't control how you meet the one you love you know. Plus, if you believe in the statistics on OKCUPID, we are an 88 percent match...he's the highest score I ever found on that site as far as compatiblity goes. And, I want to vouch for OKCUPID, I totally see why we matched that high. We have LOTS in common, and more than just favorite movies, music and shallow stuff like that.
We've been talking since November and have been trying to meet up for several months. I think I first knew that I loved him when we got in this debate over Harry Potter and he explained to me why Severus Snape isn't really such a bad dude. I have a thing for geeks, always have. So yeah, I knew I had to hold on to this one. Even though he lives in Minneapolis and even though there are people here who would date me. Fuck it...the guy is right for me. Even though he's flawed (but aren't we all?) I even love the things that annoy me about him...when we get in debates it really fires me up in that special way. Intelligence is the biggest turn on for me.
I've settled before for guys who really didn't give a fuck about me, and I wanted to hold out for something different this time. I don't want someone who thinks its okay to sleep with several other girls...I don't want someone who just wants to use me for their sexual urges. I want love, plain and simple.
So yeah, we met up tonight and the chemistry was there right away when we locked eyes. We are both shy and nervous people by nature, but we just couldn't stop talking, laughing, and just being ourselves around each other. I never felt self-conscious or stupid even when I said something dumb. He's not conventially cute, but then again I think Steve Buscemi is way hotter than Brad Pitt (what, I do). I love his squinty eyes, his glasses, and he was wearing a Batman shirt!!! Plus, he's tall and skinny...my type to a tee.
We went to dinner at this place called Prime and Wine..its kind of like The Brown Bottle. We we both under-dressed for such a fancy place, but we didn't care. He was so sweet and bought me dinner even though he's broke. We both only ate about a fourth of our meals because the portions were HUGE but it was really yummy.
After that, we drove around looking for something to do because Mason City is actually even more boring than Cedar Falls and Waterloo. We ended up going to see The Omen with Julia Stiles and Mia Farrow...it was pretty good, but um...I got distracted a few times I have to say so I'm a bit confused at what all happened.
So yeah, I'm not going to go into detials what happened after that...but let's just say I had a wonderful time and I really think I have a future with him. He warms my heart and all that cheesy stuff.
I have a boyfriend now, so don't hit on me please. Just cause he doesn't live here doesn't change the fact that I love the guy. I'm a good girl and once I give my heart, it stays with that person until they break it anyway. I have no problem with being friends with guys though...so as long as you know how to respect me as friend, I dont' care if you have a penis or a vagina.
Currently listening to:
Mechanical Animals (Explicit Cover)
By Marilyn Manson
Jun 19, 2006
Kristy, the model?!
Here's a list of careers I've been contemplating ever since I was old enough to realize that a "money tree" is a figment of every broke person's imagination and probably only grows around "Big Rock Candy Mountain": architect, fashion designer, chef, vocalist, working for an advertising team, and just being a plain old fashioned artist.
Never once in that list did I even remotely consider putting down, "model" but I've seriously been considering it lately. I'm not talking about the 6'3, ninty pound aliens that currently walk the runways of Milan and Paris....I'm talking about being an artist's model. As you see, from the above photo, I've inspired one such artist already. Ever since I started posting my self-taken pin-up photos on deviantart.com, I've created quite a stir. Lots of people have been favoriting my photos, messaging me, and I've had a few serious artists propostion me to model for them. Granted one lives in France, the other in New York....but so what? I find that amazingly satisfying that random people think I'm beautiful and worthy of photographing or drawing.
And yes, I weigh over 160 pounds ladies and gentlemen...put that in your dt. Coke can you boys without penises (otherwise known as the creatures who grace most fashion magazines.) So who knows what I'll do, but for now I'm going to work on my own pin-up project and expand that to taking pictures of my friends who've so graciously decided to model for me.
Here's an expample of one such photo that's been getting lots of attention at deviant art:
Currently listening to:
By White Stripes
Kwaya Na Kisser
Brianna's Live Journal
John's Thoughts and Stuff
Hips, Lips, and Tits: Its Bettie Page
Worth 1000 (Fun with Photoshop)
Hold Your Light
Current Album: Pussy Whipped by Bikini Kill *1993*
Currently Reading: Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins